It’s confirmed I am moving to Edmonton; the ticket is purchased and the boarding pass has been printed. I must say I have mixed emotions; contradicting emotions.
In one sense I am excited about embarking on this new adventure, a grand adventure some might say. Seeing the Canadian countryside through the window of a Via Rail train is on my Bucket List. And then there is the aspect of a mini vacation. I haven’t been on a vacation sense; I don’t know when. Think of the sights I will see, the people I will meet ,(maybe a future husband) the editing I will get done, the blogging I will do. It is all so wonderfully exciting and some may think courageous. I mean after all I am 53 and except for that botched work visa in Little Cayman, (A story for another day) I have never really been away from home.
And then of course there is always, “WTFudge are you doing thoughts that have turned into a numbers game. ” Like a clock, tick-tock-ticking in my brain the numbers churn; 53 my age, shouldn’t I be happily settled in a home with a loving husband and looking forward to retirement by now. 4, the number of my children (I have 5 but one lives in Edmonton) that I am leaving behind; who all say “Go you deserve this, it’s time for you to find yourself, we will be fine.” Despite their encouragement I will miss them dearly and feel like I have failed them. 7+1, grandchildren, (I have 12 but 5 of them live in Edmonton and the +1 has not been born yet) that are too young to understand why Nana is moving away. 6, the number of fellow Sic Lid Sistas I have; my best friends,( Niagara Falls weekend will not be the same without me there.) 1, Brother Bob, who has inspired me that perhaps I am not too old to find love again. 2, my parents who I can’t think about without crying. 0, the amount of money I have and the reason I am moving out west in the first place; to find my fortune and fame.
So here I am this morning with a boarding pass that will take me on a grand new adventure to prosperity and yet my heart is heavy with indecision and doubt as Negative Nettie whispers in my ear, “Are you sure you know what you are doing?” I am a hot mess of contradicting emotions, trying to keep the tears at bay, but I think I might just cry in my coffee anyway.